


I Still Miss You

by starliit (orphan_account)



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Heavy Angst, Sad, dealing with death, really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 16:12:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14814627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/starliit
Summary: It's been 3 months since Kaito's death, and Maki writes a journal entry about it.(run-on sentences are intentional.)





	I Still Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> OK THIS IS LIKE, OVERLY SAD SO JUST YOUVE BEEN WARNED

March 3

Kaito, this one’s for you. You died three months ago and only now do I feel that I’m ready to write down my feelings about this. I’m still broken, I’m still hurt, and I don’t think I can be put back together. Our friends tried to help me but they can’t. Shuichi stops by once a week with chocolates and ice cream and a funny movie, but I can’t laugh at it. I can’t laugh at anything. It reminds me of you and how you were the only one who could make me even smile. I haven’t smiled in ages because of you.

I still love you, you know. I loved you since we met. I loved your eyes, your hair, the way you spoke, your personality, your jokes, I loved everything about you. You weren’t perfect and you knew that perfectly well but dammit Kaito, you were perfect to me. You were everything I needed and everything I wanted and when you died I almost screamed out but my lungs weren’t working. I almost cried your name out in hopes that you’d come back to me, alive and well and telling me how much you loved me, but I couldn’t even utter a sound out.

I remember how it was three in the morning and I was still awake staring at you sleep. I remember how I would listen to the beeping of the heart monitor and smell all the medicines in the cabinets until my lungs burned. I remember how you woke up just minutes before you died, coughing up blood onto your hospital bed as I stared, horrified. I remember how you told me through shaky lips that you loved me and how I said I loved you too and the heart monitor let out a long beep. I remember how nurses rushed in, some doing something with your lifeless body and some pulled me out of the room and how tears rushed down my face and I thought _‘God, I’m not ready to lose you yet’_.

And I can’t help but cry whenever I see our old friends together having the time of their lives. It’s like they’ve all moved on but I haven’t and I’m the only one still hurting. I feel like crying everytime I see Tenko and Himiko cuddling on a park bench together, or everytime I see Shuichi and Kokichi laughing together at the store. They all have each other, but you were the only one I had in my life. You were the only person I could trust, the only one who liked me, the only one who could make me see the sun after years of living in darkness. The sun is forever covered in clouds now that you’re gone.

I can never visit your grave, it hurts me too much just to hear your name. It would kill me to see all the flowers resting around your grave because I know how much people loved you. I’d hate to see how your name is carefully engraved onto the stone, and how I’d just know that there’s a body there under the ground and that it’s your body. I don’t know what message is on that stone because of how I never asked when you were alive so that it would seem like you would never die. I don’t think I want to know what’s written there.

You always said that you wanted to go into space but I think you’ve gone farther. You know I don’t believe in religions but I know that you did. You’re not quite in space now but I hope that now you’re up in heaven and you can see the stars from a whole different angle. I hope that every night you make new stars dot the sky in the pattern of my name so that all of our friends will know how much you loved me. You never got to tell anyone that we were dating but if they see my name in the stars, they’ll know who wrote them there.

I stargaze every night, just for you. I stare up at the stars and dig into the deep hollows of my mind to try and name the constellations that you showed me. I look up and try to see past the stars so that I can tell if you’re watching down on me. But maybe you’re not and you’re off watching Shuichi have fun with Kokichi, or making sure Himiko gets to sleep alright and that nightmares aren’t stopping her from a peaceful night’s rest.

You saved me from myself. Before I met you I didn’t know how to express any emotions but after meeting you I was introduced to a whole spectrum of different feelings. You told me to write down whatever came to mind and to vent whenever I got sad. You made sure to tell me you wouldn’t read it but honestly I hope that you did. Although I doubt that you ever even imagined doing that because of how nice you are and how you’d never lie to anyone. The entire reason I’m writing this down is because I felt sad and I still write when I’m sad.

I can’t think of anything else to say that’ll make me feel happier. I’ll probably agree to go on an outing with Tenko or actually smile at a movie with Shuichi because I know that’s what you’d want for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love again because of how much I still love you. I know you’d want me to love again but there’s so much a broken girl can do and loving another isn’t one of those things.

I just got a text from Tenko. She told me that if I didn’t want to go on a walk with her that she’ll come over and we can watch TV together. I’m going to go on the walk. I need to clear my head out. I’ve spent long enough inside watching myself wither away that I know I need to get fresh air. If I write to you again it’ll be in a long time. I still love you more than ever. Till next time, Kaito.

  
                                                                      Maki

**Author's Note:**

> this is my second time writing a really sad story that's in the form of the main character writing to another and god i think i have a problem


End file.
